I am the worst patient

I am the worst patient. When I see my doctor:

I wear skinny jeans and lace up boots to my lady-check appointment, so she can wait half an hour for me to deal with my hems and eyelets.

I talk while she’s auscultating my chest.

I provide bizarrely extraneous and time consuming detail, like how sick I was when I had glandular fever three years ago, which incidentally started the day before my final verbal exam, and you know what, I had a fever of like 40 degrees while I was doing the “bad news” station, had to tell the patient/actor she had lupus and I was sweating and hallucinating about losing my name badge…

Before getting on the scales, I ask “shoes on or off?” This isn’t a huge deal. It’s just one of those gentle will-grinding things that happen fifteen times a day. We talk about decision fatigue. These are fifteen decisions she shouldn’t have to make, sob. She’s just after a ball-park figure here. Leave em on, take em off, whatever. Now she’s got nothing left to decide whether I need a colonoscopy or not.

I ask her to describe to me where the nearest pharmacy is, because she trained for ten years to explain street landmarks, and didn’t employ a receptionist to do that for her.

Most of my issues are lifestyle related, like having a job that is stressful, emotionally draining and sedentary and features a tea room in which people keep leaving cake. I need her to fix all that for me.

I always sigh with remorse when I walk out. I really hope she has a good GP.


2 thoughts on “I am the worst patient

  1. Hahaha. And do you say “thanks nurse” afterwards too?? Or ask for a cup of tea to be made, or for a phone to call some random relative? Or complain that you’ve been here for 4 hours when its only been 2? #triggered

    Liked by 1 person

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